It has been a while since my last post. I have found myself losing my centre. I’m back in the never ending journey called my life under a deep black cloud. I try to find little joys in my day at work but I find myself being ground down.
I feel paranoid. I feel like I cannot trust anyone. I feel like I live in a world where everyone wishes the worst for people instead of the best.
Why do others need to suffer so that you can feel better?
I know I used to live with that motto. I used to subject people to pain so they knew the pain I was in. It wasn’t to help them understand me. It made me feel better to know others were suffering as I suffered.
The thing is, I knew it wasn’t going to help me. It relieved some part of whatever that feeling was.
I acknowledge that in that state of mind I was a selfish, self-destructive person. I wanted to prove those thoughts on my head right. I was an unlovable, hateful, spiteful person who could not be loved. Thinking back on it, I think part of me wanted to give myself a reason to leave. I wanted proof that I had a reason to leave this earth.
I want to believe I have moved past that place. However once again, I find myself stuck. I find myself wanting to self – destruct.
I want an out.
God feels so abstract and absent lately. And talking to those who know Him seems like the last thing I want to do. They don’t understand what I’m feeling, questioning, or trying to answer.
My life feels like it is not my own. But it also feels like the choices I’ve made. Wasted time and breath and energy on a life I almost hate.
God are you out there? Do you know what I feel? Do you know why I feel this way?
I just want answers. Why am I so broken? I am not right the way I think and react.
Does everyone see me as dysfunctional and bad? That is how I feel most days. I should be a better person. Thoughts hound me why I choose not to be.
I am so broken. I don’t think anyone can fix me. I push people away with my brokenness.
But is that the point?
Maybe the point is to find the people who see the broken, and let them love me anyway. I think maybe there are people like that. Sometimes I see them.
Can someone love a broken person like me? I’m tired of trying to fix myself. Can you just love me for who I am?
I think that is what drew me to You. So I’m asking…pleading with You, love me now in my browned because if You can’t, I don’t think I have hope that anyone else will.
Stories of the Redeemed 