‘You are my beloved child. I chose you before the foundation of the world, to walk with me along paths designed uniquely for you. Concentrate on keeping in step with me, instead of trying to anticipate my plans for you. If you trust that my plans are to prosper you and not harm you, you can relax and enjoy the present moment.
Your hope and your future are rooted in heaven, where eternal ecstasy awaits you. Nothing can rob you of your inheritance of unimaginable riches and wellbeing. Sometimes I grant you glimpses of your glorious future, to encourage you and spur you on. But your main focus should be staying close to me. I set the pace in keeping with your needs and my purpose.’
Devotions of Every Day of the Year Jesus Calling: Enjoying Peace in His Presence (pg 177)
Lately I have been feeling so much stress about work, relationships and in general – who I am and where I am going. I lost sight of the joys of the present moment and the opportunity given me to just live and breathe and rejoice in what surrounds me and what I have in my life to be thankful for.
I have found that I have always asked this question, ‘Are you good enough?’ I don’t know why I have made this kind of a ritual in my life. I don’t think I even realized that I had until this moment of writing it down. I have always asked myself, ‘Are you good enough?’ – Am I good enough to play the flute? Am I good enough to have someone fall in love with me? Am I good enough for these people to still be my friends after more than a simple conversation? Am I good enough to become something more than a reservations agent?
What is not astonishing to me is that I think that most of the time my answer would be… No.
I have always been taught by my parents to be practical and critical of myself. I do not think it was a bad thing on the whole, but I do think it has shaped the way that I view myself. Typical life as a teenager, I was taught that I did not quite fit in (because I did not, in a entire school of white people). However, I was also told that I was special. I think that was my saving grace…
As a young child I found a home away from home. I found someone who knew what was exactly in my heart and loved me anyway. I found someone who told me it was okay that I was scared and alone or angry and frustrated in this world and that it would be okay – that I would be okay.
I think this abundance of negativity and unconditional love started a tug-of-war inside me though. That’s what I feel like is happening inside of me every day. I admit I think I must suffer from some kind of of depression. I don’t know if that’s something one’s supposed to admit on here. I hear it’s taboo.
But I don’t care anymore.
I am tired of walking around with this mask on my face, pretending that there aren’t a million thoughts running around in my head that don’t make me want to cry or curl up in my bed and not get up. These thoughts are glimmers of moments in my life that I don’t quite understand. They slowly evolve after minutes or even hours of analyzing what they could possibly mean, which in turn, has me believing that some how they are a part of my reality. The objective and logical part of my brain knows it is some neurological blip that has no physical merit or truth, but it dwells inside of me and sometimes it feels like the heaviest weight in the world.
Lately I have been in this storm of sadness and thoughts just due to the things happening in my life. In my genious, I have taken to stowing myself away in my room with the logical belief that it would be better for me to let this wave pass and then continue on with my life and relationships. However, I realize now that it was the worst thing I could have possibly done. Alienating yourself from people who love you and can support you is the worst thing someone with depression could do. (I just read that in an article the other day – too bad I couldn’t have read it prior :P) By the time I realized I needed to connect wih people – that it helps – I had disconnected with a lot of the people I considered friends. So therein lies the dilemma of then sinking into a further state because you feel like they see you as an acquaintance or it feels like you’re a stranger.
How does one cope? You don’t want to feel like a burden to people who have their own lives. But you have this weight that you need someone to share it with or it will simply crush you? (Background to my history is that I have not had this kind of a bout in about a decade.)
This is where the quote at the beginning of this entry comes in. The past 2 or 3 months I have been trying to either will these growing thoughts and feelings away by myself. But I cannot do it. I cannot do it alone at least.
I have drifted from numerous things that pulled me out of the last bout with depression. My main strength was my relationship I had with God. I was always in His Word which brought me strength, hope, and a reason to rejoice. As well, I had the community of people that came with going to church. I recogniize now how much I miss it – them. Say what you will about people in the church (no, they are definitely not perfect – and some less than others) but it was in them that I felt God’s grace and love. And they filled me with the positive thoughts and truths that I desperately needed, at a time when I had neither the strength nor the energy to understand or see things in that way.
They told me I was a chosen child of God. They told me I was loved. The last was the one thing that someone who is depressed most needs to hear. I am loved. For all my faults and sometimes insane thoughts, I AM LOVED.
I cannot speak for all those who suffer depression. I can only speak for myself. But what I think we need to hear, forgetting all the rhetoric of ‘positive thoughts and look towards your future, get some exercise and eat right’ (which is all true and helpful), is that we are loved in spite of all of this. Because being loved, gives us a reason to think positively and exercise and eat healthy so we can have a better outlook. We need a reason/purpose for trying…
I know sometimes there are people who are not quite as lucky and do not have the support they need. But I have to tell you, there is Someone who loves you. There is someone who thinks you ARE special… Someone who has given all of us a reason to keep trying…
Stories of the Redeemed 